State of Celibacy, fear of bisexuality, and an alternate interpretation of psychic reading by Mia. Saturday, July 19, 2014

Yesterday I woke up from a “realistic” dream that I had “accidentally” masturbated while sleeping, and I was upset that I had lost my sexual energy that I’m storing up to assist in my kundalini awakening process. It has been over two months now since I have any physical sexual energy release, including masturbation. This is not the first time that I am practicing celibacy and it is definitely easier this time. It is now my fourth attempt, with four months being the longest during the third attempt. I am fine throughout the day and night, and the only time that it bothers me is in the morning when I’m still asleep waking up.

During the past two days in bikram yoga class, I feel that my sexual energy is now starting to be at the level it needs to be to help me build and pushing up the rest of my energy through the higher chakras. This has happened before many times…but basically what I get is sexual body orgasm feeling where the sexual energy is moving around my pelvic zone and throughout my spine and into my body, and some time it makes me want to laugh. I need to observe this more.

During class it got me thinking more about the question that Mia asked me from our reading, [Awakening Story Arc] My reading with Mia and the need to find a spiritual/metaphysical teacher. Friday, July 18, 2014, what am I afraid of? If I were to look at it from a personal healing and transformation perspective, I have been dealing with fear of women, especially strong and/or attractive women. I have come to fully accept that I have been dealing with fears of bisexuality within myself, fear of being a “heterosexual” male, and sex with woman. I won’t go into detail about fear of bisexuality and being a man concept in this post. Anyway, it would make sense why the source started telling me since 2012 that I must stay away from sex . I must abstain from all sex conducts to assist in my healing and transformation.

I also thought I will start saying I’m on a journey to become a fully realized spiritual warrior for now, instead of saying light warrior, in regard to my conversation with Mia yesterday. I am still looking for a better word for it…but I feel I must bring balance of the two sexes and sexual energy into myself first.

<@work Friday, July 18, 2014>
Lawun: Those girls clinged to the showcase talking to you, they didn’t want to leave the store.
Natt: Yeah, I’m bi now. Not gay anymore.
Mom: That’s good, more advantage. You can have it both ways.
Natt: Yeah. Fun.

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